Praising Groupon pole dancing

Not exactly a user review, it's feedback on a Groupon deal about pole dancing:

"I used to think it was nasty but, someone else said it's exercise and I thought clean not dirty it is exercise and it's good for women and I bet for their husbands for sure for sexy to them married is clean! This investment is better than looking at playboys or playgirls and the like or you know or there of heh heh. What times do you have and openings. I need to go to Juarez to get some Dental checkup and soforth so I'm I allow to watch? Thankyou for any infor or advise. And may Jah in Jesus name bless your efforts!" - Arthur

How to spend $90 on crepes and not remember

Crepes a la Cart, New Orleans, LA

"Great drunk food."

- AdamS8208, Zagat

Sometimes the drugs are present in bloodstreams

Sala Thai, Washington, DC

Mercy, mercy, me. I found reprieve from the woe-is-me of a miserable Monday... at the bottom of a sake bottle, and on the end of a fork. Tender on a rain-spattered street, was care from my mikdik who swooshed me into a white-rice-house... An easy curative is chocolate mousse cake... are we in Thailand yet? Or Nippon? Or Italia? U decide... Sometimes the drugs are libations. Or noodles, slippery with oil and sauce...

Mostly, the malaise is treated with men pouring liquor into mama!

Mikkela T, Yelp

Just walk away

Chronicles of the Cursed Haunted House, Chicago, IL

"To top it off one of the woman dressed up inside whispered to me that she will be partying at a bar later on tonight and to meet her there, she started to give me her number but i just walked away."

– Walter F., Yelp

Sir Darth Vader and Lord Joker

King Richard's Faire, Carver, MA

"In recent years, quite a few people have been strolling around the faire grounds in Star Wars attire, anime costumes, etc. It's not a Con, it's a Renaissance event. Seeing Darth Vader or Heath Ledger's Joker strolling around a 16th century village really takes away from the ambiance."

- Tara P, Yelp

Introduction

Dear readers,

Like anyone with a hungry stomach and a destination, I research Yelp reviews before trekking to a business where I might ingest cooked meat; places where I will leave with several inches of my hair snipped away, take my cat when he is ill, or otherwise spend my hard-earned money. I need a preview of what my experience will be like.

User reviews are indispensable and rarely fail me. But, scattered about the Internet, I have come across some of the funniest, most misspelled, most offhand user reviews posted by fellow diners, shoppers, tourists, and wannabe City Nightlife reporters, and the time has come that I share them with you, whoever you might be.

Yelp reviewers, Citysearch users, TripAdvisors, and Urbanspooners--many appear to possess basic to advanced English skills, and some simply know how to type (not necessarily real words). But what they all have in common is a sense of humor--or at least what reads like one.

I plan to update the blog every day with a new quotation as a promise to provide daily laughs, cultural insight, and consumerist common sense. These quotes are meant to be read foremost as a humor collection, and a funny travel guide exposing crass American culture, second. But mostly I just want you to laugh; because people, not just kids, say the darnedest things.

I don't claim ownership of these individual reviews and their rights belong to the respective host websites from which they were copied, and those individuals who composed these nuggets of commercial wisdom. The rights to the collection, organization, and artistic intent of these quotations, however, belongs to the owner of this blog.